What makes me a black sheep, besides my black clothes?

I always knew that I am a bit different and some people I met actually told me this. They said I was special or some kind of weird. I always took that as a compliment and replied with a sincere »thank you«. Sometimes, out of curiosity, I just wondered why would they think that. Was it something I did? Or was it something I said? I have never been around many people in my lifetime. I’m not saying that I didn’t have friends, but no matter what I did or with who I hanged out, I always felt like I didn’t belong. It actually seemed like most people accepted me well, but still I had a feeling that I didn’t really fit in. It was like I’m walking on my own path and still felt totally lost. No matter what I did, I was all alone. And It’s not like this bothered me much, but soon I realized it is not very good for my own good being.

I started to feel sick and I wasn’t myself anymore. I was like a ticking bomb. I just lifted my middle finger and told everyone to go fuck themselves over the smallest thing. Not literally, I didn’t said that, but my actions were kinda showing that. Where is this attitude coming from? Is puberty hitting me all over again or what?! Eventually this thing became physical, now welcome to the dark side! I couldn’t breathe and I always felt like I am going to choke. Then I felt dizzy for no reason and almost wrote a goodbye letter because I was sure I have brain cancer. My thoughts were that I am just stressed and my whole body hurts just because I don’t  work out anymore. So I found a perfect solution and went to a public gym with co-workers. We didn’t even start working out and my pulse raised at 180. Shit! I was terrified and I started to panic. Today I don’t really remember how I got past this, but it just wasn’t over after a couple of hours. I felt like I am not in my body anymore, started to see everything around me differently. Just like I didn’t exist. I couldn’t stand it anymore so I called myself a taxi and drove to the first hospital. Lungs – ok, heart – ok, brain – ok. There was something wrong with me, but there was no proof of it.

And then, about a year from now, I actually used google to ask why the fuck do I feel this way. I was surfing online for a couple of hours, searching stuff like »i can’t breathe and don’t feel ok« and of course deleting history for every weird search I made that day. I really felt stupid, now (finally) I can just laugh at it. I read a lot of articles and eventually realized that I may be suffering from mental illness. Wait a second, mental illness? But I’m fine, I just feel weird sometimes, that doesn’t mean I lost it, does it? Besides, I feel pain! And by the way, from now on I will never use this expression again. It’s too much stigma attached to that word, let’s just call it anxiety disorder.

I underestimated it, thought it’s just a phase. It will go away, I just need to pull my shit together and move on. No matter what I did, nothing seemed to work. So on 10/24/16 I had my first counselling session.

After all, the wool of a black sheep is just as warm.

Till next time,

Nikita

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