Very Merry

A night before Christmas I rushed out of the store empty handed. There was not a single thing I liked. I walked and took a moment for myself just next to the river on my way home,  it was also very cold but I didn’t mind, because I needed fresh air and some time alone with myself. I had this huge burden in my chest again and then I realized it’s all coming back to me. I took my pills. I was fine. I was happy. Was this just a placebo effect?

I took my phone and went trough my contact list. Nothing. I could call mom, she always listens. I didn’t want to worry her again in the middle of holidays. I could also call a friend or two, but then I just didn’t. It’s not easy when you need someone to talk to but nobody can relate. I really don’t need to hear another »it’s gonna be okay« phrase. Fuck you. Can’t you do more than that?! Instead of calling anyone I just took a picture of my nice view and turned on some music.

1111111Pearl Jam’s Last kiss softly touched my ears with a pleasant melody. I love that song. The original is written by Wayne Cochran. It’s funny that it talks about loss, but still has such a positive vibe. I felt something wet on my skin and realized, that a perfectly shaped snowflake just landed on my hand. I looked up, the sky was filled with white dust. It was snowing for a first time this year. I liked it. For a second you could see a sincere smile on my face. Temperature dropped even more, so my hands were now almost numb and I barely moved my fingers. I lit a cigarette up and took a deep breath of poison. I should quit already, I thought.. And then remembered what happened the last time i tried to quit. Not gonna happen, for now. I read a lot articles about how smoking can cause even bigger issues with anxiety. I think my panic disorder only got worse when I was almost a week without a cigarette. I’m sure it doesn’t help me either, but I got to find a way to stop this ugly habit without panic attacks.  I continued my way home. I knew I still wasn’t in a good shape. My breathing was heavy and my thoughts were still running wild. I came to the crossroads. Should I go left and see the stranger in a white coat? Or should I go right, straight to my bed. I just stood there. It was like I am making a once in a  lifetime choice. I went home, I’m just a number for her anyway.

He was hanging out with friends so I was alone. I felt even worse. I sat on my bed for a couple of minutes and tried to convince myself that everything is fine. The more I tried, the less it actually helped. My hands started to shake. I needed to go out. I needed to be with him. This place was just to small, I started to feel claustrophobic. Our apartment is really not that small, but still I felt like the whole room shrunk in the last 5 minutes.I was angry that I let myself  feel this way again. It is me, who has all the cards on the table. Why can’t I win? I grabbed my pillow and just screamed in it. I screamed and then I punched. I screamed again. My lovely blue pillow was now covered in black stains of my mascara. Tears started running down my face. I couldn’t make a sound anymore, I was numb. I was alone.

A night ended in a bar with my boyfriend and his friends. I was sorry for ruining  his night out. I still am.  Since I was an uninvited guest, I cured myself with a couple of gin tonics, which I shouldn’t, because I take my medications daily. Later I talked about it with my psychiatrist… and promised her I will never do it again. She forgave me.

If we get to the fun part of holidays you should know, that  I managed to buy everything on time. Success! My friend helped me, I honestly don’t think he knows how much, and went to the stores with me, so it was easier to deal with all that noise, people and stuff. I didn’t want to end up like the last time I went shopping. This time I decided, I wouldn’t buy a gift just for him, but for both of us. Lately we needed some better sleep and more fun, so I got us a new bed and PlayStation! Yeah, we can still have fun without video games, but it feels nice when you stay in bed all day and just play until your hand almost falls off. I don’t know if this is my laziness talking or my disorder. Let’s just blame it on a disease, it makes me look better (just kidding). He was also always playing online computer games and I was so sick of that I thought it will be better if we can actually play something together. If I admit, it is better, because I don’t need to drag him from the computer anymore, he voluntarily comes to bed now, hahaha.  And what did I get? A book I wanted for a long time but never really got a courage to buy it for myself. Author (unknown) said this book is the mirror of your psyche. The book is called PSI and they say it is nothing but the naked truth. I’m on 127 page now and so far I love it. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the box and saw this beautiful piece of art in my hands. Not just because I wanted it for a long time and not because covers are so amazing, but because I really wanted to read it and know more about its content. I didn’t expect that and I was happy, because I knew he truly knows me.  A couple of days later, for my birthday, I also got this huge teddy bear (since I can’t have a dog..) and I named him Charlie.

Me, my better half and Charlie lived happily ever after!

Till next time,

Nikita

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