There is no happy pill

Everyone should know that there is no right or wrong choice when you suffer from mental illness and you are trying to find the best cure for yourself. Yes, I have antidepressants to help me with my anxiety disorder. I want you to know, that this is not some magic candy, it doesn’t work that way. You still need to work on yourself and find a way to discover who you really are.  I decided to share my experience and a few tips that worked for me.

I was sitting in my bedroom and stared in a small box of pills right in front of me. It was a hot day in the middle of October and I was really tired of all that shit I recently had to put up with. I honestly thought that I am loosing my mind, for god sake, I have a prescription for medication because my brain doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. How could this happen to me? I was always strong, happy, motivated and I knew what I want in my life. What did I do to deserve this? Where did I lose myself? I opened box of antidepressants and started to read its side effects. I wasn’t very happy with what I read, so I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and asked myself:”Can I do this without pills?”

Most people thought I made a wrong decision, including my boyfriend. We actually had a fight because I chose to take pills. I took a week off and told my boss I had a flu because I really didn’t want to explain this to people who couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through. Even my boyfriend said I was crazy, what could I expect from them? For a first couple of days I was really tired and all I did was lie in bed, watched TV and constantly talked to my mother over the phone, when I started to feel anxious. I had a light headache, diarrhea and lack of sexual desire. Also, when I went to the store I always forgot to buy something. Sometimes I even went back for that thing and forgot it again. If I am honest, I thought it would be worse – this was nothing compared to how I felt before. This whole thing wasn’t so bad because I had a big support from my family. I told my close family members and surprisingly they all accepted it, including my father, who I thought, doesn’t believe in that kind of illness. It really was surprising, since I come from a small village and if someone dyes their hair it’s the main topic for a week.

You also need to know, that this is not a happy pill. You will still have to work on yourself a lot. For me, that part was just easier on antidepressants, because I was already so sick of everything, I couldn’t do it all by myself. I am sure you will hear many people say  “oh god those pills, throw them in a trash and go on a walk”. It’s truly not all that black and white, trust me, I’ve been there. If pills are not working for you, fine, then feel free to throw them away – not everything is for everyone. Also, check out below how to relax and escape from your anxious mind on a daily basis.

Learn new languages

If you’re good with learning foreign language and you wanted to do it for a long time, why not? For me it’s a great thing to focus my mind on it and forget about everything else. It is fun and it might come handy in the future. I started with Russian, because it is kind of similar to my native language. I am learning with YouTube videos and apps like Babbel. You have a free courses for beginners but for a full access you have to pay 9,99€ monthly.

Read

I honestly think that is nothing better than a good book. Read whatever works for you, simple as that. You can check out my list of favorites at the moment.

Stay in touch with nature

Many people say they walk, hike, do sports and so on. I found out that it works better for me if I just walk a little bit, then find a nice place to sit and just relax. Sometimes I read, sometimes I write or just listen to music and watch everything that’s happening around me.

Guided meditation

I usually do it at night right before sleep. It is not on my everyday routine but I do it when I can’t sleep or I had a very stressful day. Just to forget and take a moment to myself.I think this is a great way to stay connected with yourself, slow down and just be present, feel the moment. You can listen to guided meditation on YouTube or you download apps like Calm. Not all videos will work for you. Take your time and find what kind of relaxation you really like.

Come out

Do it when you are ready, it takes time. I still didn’t came out completely (I am still finding  courage to link my blog on my Facebook profile for example), but I am not holding back when someone at work asks me what pill I just took, or why am I in a bad mood and so on. As I said before, the first thing I did, is that I told my family. When I saw how good they accepted me it gave me a whole new perspective on this thing. Even my boyfriend came along when he saw how my behavior changed in a couple of months. I also found out how many people that I actually know share the same condition. Now I am able to talk about it with them and it is enough I know that they are dealing with the same thing and that ‘s what connects us. As a part of my recovery and coming out I also joined a few groups on a Facebook and it’s really nice, because you can see you are NOT alone. We all share the same symptoms and if someone starts to panic, we are able to calm them, we can share our tips and our way for dealing with it. No matter how we do it, the goal is always the same for all of us.

Since I am more connected with my inner self again, I feel happy and I am free, there is not a single thing anymore that would hold me back. You and me, we can do this.

Till next time,

Nikita

6 thoughts on “There is no happy pill

  1. Great list, but I really find it hard to come out with my mental illness. It is silly I know but you are very courageous to be so open – especially when taking pills. Thanks for the post!

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree, it is really hard to open up and talk about what we are going through. It’s all about acceptance and this may take a while, its quite a process. I hope you soon find that strenght and courage in yourself too, because once you’re out it’s easier. It’s also important that you don’t force it, take as much time as you need.

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      • I agree totally, I am sure the strength will come eventually. I think the comfort and safety of not revealing myself are holding me back for sure. Thanks for the post!

        Liked by 1 person

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