Anxiety symptoms: The Fear of Fear Itself

People who suffer from anxiety disorder, including myself, can obviously relate with the title. Today I am going to talk about symptoms and how to successfully cope with it and recognize if this is just another panic attack or there is really something wrong with you. For all of you, who can’t really relate to this condition, let me just paint a picture for you: Anxiety is like being randomly brutally beaten at different points throughout the day but you don’t know when the beaten will occur.

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Emerald

Long time ago those beryl waves appeared in front of my sapphire mirror,
doesn’t matter if you are someone’s loser or my winner,
down to the same ruby river we will forever shiver.

That opal fire in you soon exploded,
left its beautiful dust across your face,
I don’t mind, you know I will always be devoted.

Your brave heart conquers us all,
please leave and let it be,
this world for such a wise man just wasn’t meant to be.

-Nikita

There is no happy pill

Everyone should know that there is no right or wrong choice when you suffer from mental illness and you are trying to find the best cure for yourself. Yes, I have antidepressants to help me with my anxiety disorder. I want you to know, that this is not some magic candy, it doesn’t work that way. You still need to work on yourself and find a way to discover who you really are.  I decided to share my experience and a few tips that worked for me.

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Ginger

between red and yellow spectrum of the light,
was my very own pride.

warm sun disappeared in all its glory,
night embraced everything that was left of you.

flame is now lost in crowd,
wave after wave, vanished.

forever and always in my memory will be,
how your soul shined for me.

-Nikita

Very Merry

A night before Christmas I rushed out of the store empty handed. There was not a single thing I liked. I walked and took a moment for myself just next to the river on my way home,  it was also very cold but I didn’t mind, because I needed fresh air and some time alone with myself. I had this huge burden in my chest again and then I realized it’s all coming back to me. I took my pills. I was fine. I was happy. Was this just a placebo effect?

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When in Rome

Last week I had a trip to the capital city of Italy, Rome. I traveled with my boyfriend, who wanted to celebrate his 26th birthday in this beautiful historical city. We started our trip in Slovenia, so we had about 8 hours driving ahead.  We also got lucky about the weather, since this was the first weekend after a long time that was nice, warm and sunny.

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What makes me a black sheep, besides my black clothes?

I always knew that I am a bit different and some people I met actually told me this. They said I was special or some kind of weird. I always took that as a compliment and replied with a sincere »thank you«. Sometimes, out of curiosity, I just wondered why would they think that. Was it something I did? Or was it something I said? I have never been around many people in my lifetime. I’m not saying that I didn’t have friends, but no matter what I did or with who I hanged out, I always felt like I didn’t belong. It actually seemed like most people accepted me well, but still I had a feeling that I didn’t really fit in. It was like I’m walking on my own path and still felt totally lost. No matter what I did, I was all alone. And It’s not like this bothered me much, but soon I realized it is not very good for my own good being.

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